three weeks later

I’m a bit disappointed in myself. I haven’t written in weeks and that’s not good. I want to really document this journey. I want to better understand who I am and why I do the things I do (or don’t do) to myself. And in order to understand that, I need to keep myself accountable and document it all. And posting pics on Instagram or Facebook doesn’t count because that doesn’t show the whole story. It only shows the good choices (for the most part). It doesn’t show the times I just eat because I can

because I’m sad

because I’m lonely

because I’m upset

because I’m happy

because I’m tired

because it’s there…

It’s all a part of my life and I have to be my biggest fan because I just don’t have the time or energy to wait for someone else to do that for me.

I’m responsible for myself.

I’m responsible for the size of clothing I wear.

I’m responsible for the type of food I put into my mouth.

It’s all on me. And I love me, dammit.

***

We took the kid on a vacation the other week. It was her Spring Break and we wanted to surprise her with a trip to a water-park resort. It was all pretty amazing and fun and quite successful of a surprise trip.

I strayed a bit from eating primarily plant-based. I kind of knew I would so I didn’t beat myself up about it. What good would that have done? Instead, I enjoyed a burger and fries, ice cream, and pizza a several times over the past several weeks- mostly during Spring Break (last week). But. Even though I did eat poorly at times, it was truly at times and not ALL the time. So for that I’m immensely proud.

Also- something else worth noting during my Break was my reaction to animal product foods: There were several times when my stomach churned at the the thought of ingesting animal. And the amount of animal people eat with every meal is astounding. Fuck that.

I’m not eating primarily plant-based because of the way animals are treated (my reason is because it makes me feel SO much better)… but… it’s hard to ignore. Really hard once it’s ingrained in your head.

That said, I honestly don’t know if I will ever *never* have a burger again. I can pretty easily give up on steak (which I NEVER IN ALL MY LIFE thought I would say or think) and chicken and milk and eggs and even cheese (most days), but burgers are just so incredibly wonderful to me.  (This is where having a nasty reaction when eating copious amounts of milk [ice cream] comes in handy. I LOVE ice cream almost as much as I love my kid, but it doesn’t love me; and while I could eat it every day, I absolutely canNOT eat it every day. This helps me stay away from it more so than I’m able to stay away from burgers & fries.)

***

Truthfully, it’s been over a full week since I’ve had a juice and I really miss it. I just haven’t had the time or the money to juice. I’ve made several smoothies, but no juice and boy am I yearning for juice again.

***

Chia seeds have become a staple in my diet lately. I really do love them and incorporate them into my meals at least twice a day– once in the morning with my oats and once in the evening with my smoothie.

 

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honesty

The main purpose of this blog is for me to document the truth about my journey to a healthier me. And the truth is that yesterday on the way home from work, I stopped for some veggies to juice and also picked up a bag of Doritos and a bag of plain potato chips. Then, during the 40 minute drive home, I proceeded to stuff my hole full of Doritos and Chips, alternating between the two.

Imagine driving down the highway and seeing someone do this. Can you see it? Can you see them bringing their hand to their mouth over and over again? Okay, so maybe you don’t know what it is they’re doing, but surely it must look odd. Or maybe you drive up next to them and are in a truck so you can see the bags laying beside her, you can see her reaching in to one bag then another and bring the chips to her mouth. Over and over again.

That was me yesterday. In broad daylight.

The chips tasted great. I didn’t want sugar, I wanted salt and I justified it just like that– it’s better to have salty shit food than sugar. Sugar is the enemy. It really and truly is and while I do still believe that, I also believe it’s a LOT fucked up that I can justify binging on TWO FUCKING BAGS of chips because it wasn’t sugar.

Granted I didn’t finish the bags but I did eat about half of each. These were regular full size bags of chips- please don’t think for a minute I did this with single serving sized bags.

I probably could’ve kept eating till the bags were empty but I was getting close to home and needed to carry a bunch of shit into the house so I stopped eating. Just like that. And I went into the house with all the crap I needed to bring in and left the chips on the counter. Just like that. No more. I was done with the chips. Instead I downed about 20 ounces of water. Cold water. It was good and calming against all the salt that bathed my mouth and tongue.

For dinner I had a smoothie made with kale-celery-apple-ginger juice plus frozen pineapple, a banana, and flax meal. It was a yummy smoothie but it certainly didn’t make up for the thousand (or so?) calories I inhaled during the drive home.

And today, I start all over again. Like an alcoholic.

But I’m okay with all of this. I’m okay with it because it wasn’t sugar, because I was able to stop, because I was able to move on, and because I didn’t just keep piling the shit into my mouth the rest of the night. The scary thing is that had that car-ride binge been with chocolates or something sugary, I have no doubt I wouldn’t have been able to stop.

That’s fucking scary to me.

Sugar really is evil. Worse than goddamn drugs and alcohol. ANYONE and EVERYONE has access to sugar.

found the burger, found the shake

yesterday i indulged big time with a incredibly delicious burger, fries and NUTELLA milkshake. oh my word was it good. i have a feeling this will be my new go-to place for when i just feel like i have to have something more than plant-based.

the thing is, i physically felt like crap afterward. like i was drunk and hungover at the same time. when we got home, i took a two fucking hour nap, too!! i felt like i absolutely had no other choice. i had hoped it would be a 10 minute catnap but two hours later and i finally dragged myself out of bed.

this is what sugar, especially, does to me. and while that nutella shake was absolute perfection, i’m not sure i’ll have one again. at least not this week. 😉

my PMS is something fierce and i really *had* to have a burger. the shake was an added bonus, but it was the burger i needed. and the burger i’m sure i will have again.

while i feel my best drinking juices and smoothies and eating plant-based, the fact is that there will be times when i venture away from that. my goal is to make sure that i don’t go back to that full time and that i find my way back to juices, smoothies, plant-based foods the next meal or day.

these are all my own choices i’m making. i chose a burger and shake yesterday. today i choose plant-based and no sugar.

werefore art thou, shit food?

this weekend was pretty bad. i mean, the weekend wasn’t bad but my eating was pretty bad. it started Friday when i met a friend and her kids at a phenomenal deep dish pizza joint. we had pizza. deep dish pizza. with lots of real cheese. IT. WAS. FUCKING. AMAZING. and i have no regrets.

but then she made me take the leftovers home– an entire half of the pizza. so guess what i ate Saturday for lunch? mmm hmm.

again, no regrets but it didn’t end there- oh no it didn’t because Saturday night i met the same friend (sans the kids) for dinner, drinks, and a movie. and i indulged in some rather unhealthy pub food (damn tasty tho) and about, oh, four or so martinis. (i was pretty plastered, ha!)

then, during the movie, i devoured the treats she got us– candy and salt & caramel popcorn (the latter being the best popcorn i’d ever eaten).

yesterday was a wee better and more juicing was done so today i’m right back at it… but i’m yearning for the shit food. can’t lie, won’t lie. pizza, chips, cookies, ice cream- wherefore art thou? it’s not at all helping that my boobs hurt like a bitch and i’m crampy so, therefore, PMS has decided to smack me down again this month.

i’ll push through. i will. i will, I WILL.

oh and still digging the chia seeds- particularly in my morning oats and smoothies. YUM. i also picked up some nutritional yeast in the hopes to move away from real cheese that i love so much. i’m done with cow’s milk, but cheese on pizza? i miss it so so so.

still no coffee. so weird not waking in the mornings on the weekend and not immediately making and drinking coffee.

FRIDAY

this aint no April fools joke: i LIKE chia seeds!

i love how they have a bit of a crunch to them.

i love how they keep me ful way longer. i add some to my morning oats and bam, i’m good for hours and hours!!

i’m coming up to my two month mark doing DDP Yoga (DDPY) and my one month mark of adding juices and smoothies to my diet. the scale is down only a couple fucking pounds. i went a bit nuts on Easter and a couple days since with chocolate. today and the weekend will be on point though. so i’m hoping the scale will be down a bit more by Monday. and so help me god if my measurements aren’t down!!

i was SURE last month that my first month of DDPY was a great one and that while my weight wasn’t down, my measurements would be. WRONG. in fact, some measurements were UP. sure, maybe it was muscle but it’s super fucking frustrating when you’re working your ass off with nothing to show for it. (but then i have to also own up to the fact that during that first month i was eating handful of chocolate chips every night…. so even though i was eating clean all day, every day and working out, i was counteracting it with the chocolate because i was being… stubborn.)

it’s a damn good thing eating clean and being active makes me FEEL good. or for sure i’d have gone back to eating fast food for 2-3 meals a day! but i really don’t think that could ever happen again. i just won’t let it. i choose to be strong. i choose to take control.