honesty

The main purpose of this blog is for me to document the truth about my journey to a healthier me. And the truth is that yesterday on the way home from work, I stopped for some veggies to juice and also picked up a bag of Doritos and a bag of plain potato chips. Then, during the 40 minute drive home, I proceeded to stuff my hole full of Doritos and Chips, alternating between the two.

Imagine driving down the highway and seeing someone do this. Can you see it? Can you see them bringing their hand to their mouth over and over again? Okay, so maybe you don’t know what it is they’re doing, but surely it must look odd. Or maybe you drive up next to them and are in a truck so you can see the bags laying beside her, you can see her reaching in to one bag then another and bring the chips to her mouth. Over and over again.

That was me yesterday. In broad daylight.

The chips tasted great. I didn’t want sugar, I wanted salt and I justified it just like that– it’s better to have salty shit food than sugar. Sugar is the enemy. It really and truly is and while I do still believe that, I also believe it’s a LOT fucked up that I can justify binging on TWO FUCKING BAGS of chips because it wasn’t sugar.

Granted I didn’t finish the bags but I did eat about half of each. These were regular full size bags of chips- please don’t think for a minute I did this with single serving sized bags.

I probably could’ve kept eating till the bags were empty but I was getting close to home and needed to carry a bunch of shit into the house so I stopped eating. Just like that. And I went into the house with all the crap I needed to bring in and left the chips on the counter. Just like that. No more. I was done with the chips. Instead I downed about 20 ounces of water. Cold water. It was good and calming against all the salt that bathed my mouth and tongue.

For dinner I had a smoothie made with kale-celery-apple-ginger juice plus frozen pineapple, a banana, and flax meal. It was a yummy smoothie but it certainly didn’t make up for the thousand (or so?) calories I inhaled during the drive home.

And today, I start all over again. Like an alcoholic.

But I’m okay with all of this. I’m okay with it because it wasn’t sugar, because I was able to stop, because I was able to move on, and because I didn’t just keep piling the shit into my mouth the rest of the night. The scary thing is that had that car-ride binge been with chocolates or something sugary, I have no doubt I wouldn’t have been able to stop.

That’s fucking scary to me.

Sugar really is evil. Worse than goddamn drugs and alcohol. ANYONE and EVERYONE has access to sugar.

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