mind tricks

In six days I get to go to a three-hour seminar on weight loss surgery.

I’M SO FUCKING EXCITED about this.

The past week, I’ve been eating more crap food than I have in a while. I think I’m doing it because I feel like WHEN I have WLS, I won’t be able to (eat crap food) as much anymore. But the thing is that while I’m indulging more, it’s just not as good. I don’t need it. I really don’t. I think I’ve already trained my mind and body to eat for fuel rather than pleasure. And this feels amazing. I can’t even put it into words. I actually feel like I CAN control what I eat and how much of it I eat.

But I also feel like my mind is playing tricks on me.

Like, it’s making me believe that I truly could lose weight AND KEEP IT OFF on my own- without surgery. I feel like my mind is trying to tell me to give it another solid attempt and that this time it will stick.

But it won’t. Will it? Without the surgery I mean? Will it stick without the surgery?

I honestly don’t think it will. My history says it won’t. Being morbidly obese is not new in my life; I’ve been this way since my early 20s and even in high school I was still “obese”.

I do believe that I could lose weight on my own. Absolutely do I believe this. But I don’t think I could lose enough on my own to get me away from being obese. I truly don’t think I could do that without surgery and it’s something I really do want to experience in my life: NOT being obese and feeling alive and full of energy and being healthy and strong. I need to experience this. It’s beyond time.

I really am ready. For this seminar. For WLS.

It will happen. It must.

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