I need to start truly believing this is going to happen. While I haven’t gotten insurance approval for the surgery, the fact is that everyone else I’ve met (surgeon, NUT, Psych) agrees that I’m okay to move forward. And the reasons for their approval is exactly what the insurance needs to hear in order to approve the surgery. I honestly don’t see how they could deny me this.
It’s weird. I’ve always believed WLS would be good for me. But now that I’m this close? I’m realizing how real this could be and that scares me.
- I’m scared of failing. Again.
- I’m scared of succeeding. (Seriously. This is a big fear of mine. I mean, I just can’t fathom being at a healthy BMI, being in a single digit size. What the hell is that like?!?)
- I’m scared of the actual surgery.
- I’m scared of recovery.
- I’m scared of complications.
- I’m scared of getting fatter and more unhealthy.
- I’m scared of staying exactly the same.
The truth of the matter is, I’ve never been one to push past my fears. I mean, I don’t regret much in life, but there are certainly things I wish I could do over differently. Does that make sense? I mean… I don’t view these things as regrets but I guess they kind of are, huh? Oopsie, maybe I should’ve answered the “regrets” question differently during yesterday’s Psych Eval testing? Meh, I kind of jest. Because while there are things I would do differently if given the chance to do them over, I truly don’t regret much in my life. I’m a great person- to myself and to others. Life really is a gift and I know this.
So now I need to accept this new stomach as a gift on extending that good, blessed life. And I need to truly truly truly believe in it all and myself.
This is going to happen.