must stay positive

Met with the surgeon yesterday and it was pretty much a shortened version of the three-hour seminar from last week except this time I had to pay my copay. And now they finally move forward with submitting to insurance to get approval. According to the little postcard they gave me as I left, it could take up to three weeks to hear back from them. Three bloody weeks. I’m really hoping it’s much sooner than that.

In the meantime, apparently, I’m to get three tests done, which can be done Tuesday or Friday mornings in one of their offices:

  • H-Pylori
  • Vitamin D
  • Hemoglobin – A1C

Hopefully I can knock all three out in one visit and I’m shooting for this Friday. The sooner the better.

I will do whatever I need to do to get this ball rolling.

***

I nearly cried at yesterday’s appointment. In addition to it being a shortened version of the seminar, they took my height and weighed me. Then I was presented with a Tanita Body Composition Analyzer (TBCA).

I’m only 5’2. I thought I was 5’4 but I’m only 5’2. Do you know what two inches does to your BMI? Fugh! This is where the tears nearly came in. Here I thought I had a BMI of 40… turns out it’s actually 45.7.

FUGH.

The only thing that kept me from crying when studying this TBCA was that the “Predicted Weight Target” read that I “only” have to lose 84 pounds.

Regardless of the numbers, the fact is I’m severely obese and this needs to change once and for all.

Please Please PLEASE approve this surgery, insurance. And quickly before it changes in the new year.

Seriously. WTF happens if I get approved for surgery but it can’t be done until the next year and my insurance changes?! This is a huge fear of mine because HR constantly shops around for insurance. They’ve kept the same one for several years now but what if this is the year they change it?!

I can’t think negatively.

I have to keep moving forward as if I will be approved and get this new stomach by end of this year.

 

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waiting sucks the life outta you

I was mistaken yesterday when I noted that the health group- to which the bariatric center I’m interested in doing WLS with- has obtained medical records. The health group did, in fact, do that, but this was a result of my OBGYN yearly visit last week. I totally fucking forgot about that visit and when I saw that a history of sorts was submitted and paid to my insurance, I got super excited and assumed it was for WLS. But hello! I only just Wednesday night, two days ago, even gave the bariatric center my insurance info.

Why does this even matter?

A part of me was thinking the reason I was getting to see a surgeon so quickly (Monday) was because of this, because the center had obtained my records and it was noted in the system that I was good to go and to get me scheduled ASAP so that insurance can approve surgery and a date could be set.

Hopeful thinking. STUPID hopeful thinking.

I’m just anxious, really.

I just have been thinking of doing this for so long and now that I’m so close to getting to know if I can go thru with it… I’m just on edge.

And now the doubt sets in.

Fuck.

I’m pretty good about staying positive about things. I’ve worked so hard nearly half my life on letting things go and just focusing on the good. I really have. But doubt still manages to trickle its way into things. It always does, doesn’t it?

Now I’m kind of thinking… what IF my insurance doesn’t cover this? What IF the surgeon doesn’t think I’m a good candidate?

I will cry. So hard. So, so hard. I can’t and won’t think much beyond crying to be honest…

I’m so damn sure that I fit the bill and that there’s no way the insurance can deny me but the reality of it all is… I won’t know till that bridge is crossed.

Dammit, NONE of this is easy. None of it.

 

reasons for WLS

 

Specific reasons for wanting WLS/VSG:

  1. My sweet baby doll of a daughter. She’s 6.5 and is the most amazing thing in the world. She means everything to me and everything I do is because of her. And being truly healthy and active is something that I haven’t been able to be in all of my adult life and by god, it’s more than time I’m healthy and active!! I want to live to see her graduate high school, date (ugh), start her own family. I need to be here for her and hers for as long as humanly possible and in a way where I can be an active participant- not just old granny sitting in a wheelchair off in the corner!
  2. Health. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes two years ago (numbers are controlled thru diet and exercise). At the same time, my doctor put me on a pill for high cholesterol. I’ve had high blood pressure for over 20 years (been on meds to control it all this time too). I just want to experience being truly healthy!
  3. Age. I’m 44. I’ve been overweight since my teen years, morbidly obese for at least 10 years now. I’ve done diets and succeeded. I’ve exercised. But I’ve also always ended up gaining weight back and giving up. No more yo-yo numbers on the scale and the size of my clothes bullshit! I’m too old for this!
  4. Life- and living it. I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines. For the most part I don’t let my weight prevent me from doing things, especially with a 6.5 year old watching, but I know I will feel more alive if I were healthier… if I didn’t have to constantly be consumed by the fat that encompasses my body.
  5. Success. I need to feel successful. I’m tired of feeling like a failure every single time I try to eat better or work out more. I’m tired of feeling like it’s all for not. I’m tired of constantly being consumed by wanting to feel better, to look better. I’m tired of constantly trying to feel better, to look better. I’m tired of failing. I need to succeed at being healthy and happy. I’m a fantastic fucking person and I deserve to succeed at being healthy and strong!

weight loss surgery

It’s been far too long since I’ve been active (physical and blogging eh). I just can’t find the motivation to get up earlier than I am or go for a walk during my lunch break or working out to a DVD after work. I wholeheartedly admit to all of this.

As for food, my relationship with it has absolutely changed this year… I’ve just become quite aware of all that I eat, when I eat it, why I eat it, how much of it I eat, etc. I feel as if my life completely revolves around food. This is good and this is bad.

The good is that I’m aware, I’m knowledgeable, my eyes are constantly open to the foods I consume. The bad is that there is more to life than just fucking food.

And I think all of this leads me to my recent obsession: weight loss surgery (WLS). Specifically: vertical sleeve gastrectomy (VSG).

The truth of the matter is I’ve been looking into WLS for several years now, but it hasn’t been till the past year or so that has me kind of obsessed with it. I’ve been watching Youtube videos and searching Instagram accounts like crazy. And just recently I’ve signed up for a three hour seminar on VSG. And I’m excited. So excited over the prospect of a real tool that could help me get rid of this excess fat.

I’m not too keen on possibly going through surgery, but I truly feel as if I’ve exhausted all other goddamn options out there. The fact of the matter is that I’m in my mid 40s; I’ve been overweight since my teens; my BMI puts me at “morbidly obese”; I have type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol; I’m done having kids but want to live long enough to enjoy the child I do have; I’ve lost a significant amount of weight twice in my adult life only to gain the weight back again…

The fact is that I know how to eat, what to eat and what to do to get rid of excess weight. I’ve been to dietitians, nutritionists, doctors. I know how to read nutrition labels and I know proper portion sizes of different foods.

But I cannot seem to keep the bloody weight away for good, and I so want to. I really do.

So then do it! Put your mind to it and do it! Count those calories and get off your ass!

I have done this. I still currently do. Okay, granted, I fully admit to being a sloth as of late, but honest to god, not a day goes by where I’m not thinking about what food to eat and how being fat wreaks havoc on my body, my mind, my spirit.

I want to change, I just feel so fucking defeated from all the times I’ve kinda sorta achieved losing weight.. only to end up gaining a lot (or even more than originally weighed) back.

I want to succeed. I will succeed. I know I will. Especially with the HELP of VSG.

I know I’ll always have issues with foods. Always. It’s just inescapable seeing as you need food to live. But I strongly feel that by shrinking my stomach, I will be able to control more of the quantity of food I consume. Permanently.

To be able to eat to fuel rather than to pacify is a dream that will become a reality one day.

JUNE!!

I started bleeding late Wednesday night so guess what? Just like that I’m feeling so much better. More normal. More in control. Just like that. Like a fucking switch was flipped.

Sometimes I sincerely feel like I’m losing my mind before I get my period. Like, I know my period is coming because of the date on the calendar and because of how shitty I’m feeling (sore boobs, headaches), but the mental madness I feel during this time? It’s dangerous. It’s scary. And it’s real – to me – yet somehow I don’t feel like it should be real. Doesn’t make sense, I know!!

Like I said, I feel like I’m losing my mind at times.

What does this have to do with food and health? Everything. Every fucking thing. No, really. The past two weeks I’ve done my best to eat clean. It’s been a struggle and one that I pretty much failed at, in all honesty… Breakfasts and lunches were pretty good for the most part, but that’s where it ended. I don’t even know how many chips and pieces of pizza I devoured the past couple of weeks. Devoured. And I can’t recall the last time I juiced! 😦

All that said and done, today I feel great again. Really and truly great. I’m eating clean (save for the mini burger last night- and truffle fries) and not even wanting to eat shit food. Instead, I’m absolutely loving the abundance of fresh fruits that are available right now.

I guess summertime is okay for something after all.

indulgence

This week.

This week is not good for me. I just want to eat EVERYTHING and so far I’ve indulged quite a bit:

  • potato chips
  • fries
  • burgers
  • cookie butter

I’m pretty sure I can “blame” PMS but I checked the calendar and I’m not due to bleed for another two whole fucking weeks. If I continue to eat the way I have been the past several days for two more weeks… fuck me, will I be sick!

I haven’t been juicing either and that’s not good. Especially when it’s been 90 degrees out and the last thing I want to do when I get home is cook something. So, because I don’t have a juice ready to drink or smoothie-fy, I choose complete shit food.

It doesn’t help that I’m down to counting change until payday so I can’t afford to go buy fruits and veg to juice/smoothie-fy… and let’s face it, yeah? Shit food like the above bullets is way more affordable than lovely plant-based foods.

This is only one small step back. I will not fall down completely. I will stand back up and move forward once again starting now. Right now.

week two so far

Today I have a headache.

It’s one of the first days where I feel pretty healthy regarding the cough-fever-sinus thing I had going on for about a week. But I have a headache.

Pretty sure that’s a result of the no coffee I’ve had since last Monday. So 8 days ago. Not even on Sunday when I went to my mother’s for lunch to meet up with my brother and his family who are in from out of state did I have coffee.

Just to be clear: I FUCKING LOVE COFFEE.

I love so much about coffee it’s kind of scary.

But I’m choosing to try to keep it at bay.

I’m choosing to be the healthiest I can be, and I really feel like coffee drinks are hindering me from getting better results at the health thing.

All that said and done, my head hurts today and today may be the day I cave for one coffee. I’m gonna try not to, but life happens sometimes.

As for juicing, I’m still incorporating it into my every day. Sunday was the first day I’ve had meat in weeks. I’ve watched too many movies recently about the food industry and more and more I lean toward choosing to say no to meat and dairy and yes to plant-based foods.

I feel good. I feel lighter. I feel less bloated. I don’t really want shit food. THIS IS INCREDIBLE AND I WANT THESE FEELINGS TO LAST FOREVER.

I still eat, I just eat foods that are plant-based: oatmeal for breakfast; quinoa black bean veggie burger and broccoli slaw for lunch; potato for dinner. This has been very satisfying for me. And when I’m hungry outside of these times, I either drink a big glass of fresh, homemade juice and/or eat an orange or apple.

I’m enjoying eating like this but what I’m still getting used to is the prep involved to juice. It’s fucking super time consuming… figuring out what produce I have or need to pick up… figuring out which veg and fruit to clean and possibly chop… taking the time to put the juicer together and juice… storing the juice… cleaning the juicer… cleaning the kitchen. IT’S LIKE A FUCKING JOB to do this. Seriously.

Of course it probably doesn’t help that I have a slow juicer. I mean, I’m certain I have a good juicer and that I’m getting the most out of my produce with the least amount of pulp, but I also know that there are much faster juicers out there.

I just have to remind myself that I’ve spent a lifetime eating shit food and spending my time being a sloth, and taking the time to really take care of me and mine is worth it.