indulgence

This week.

This week is not good for me. I just want to eat EVERYTHING and so far I’ve indulged quite a bit:

  • potato chips
  • fries
  • burgers
  • cookie butter

I’m pretty sure I can “blame” PMS but I checked the calendar and I’m not due to bleed for another two whole fucking weeks. If I continue to eat the way I have been the past several days for two more weeks… fuck me, will I be sick!

I haven’t been juicing either and that’s not good. Especially when it’s been 90 degrees out and the last thing I want to do when I get home is cook something. So, because I don’t have a juice ready to drink or smoothie-fy, I choose complete shit food.

It doesn’t help that I’m down to counting change until payday so I can’t afford to go buy fruits and veg to juice/smoothie-fy… and let’s face it, yeah? Shit food like the above bullets is way more affordable than lovely plant-based foods.

This is only one small step back. I will not fall down completely. I will stand back up and move forward once again starting now. Right now.

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Living it

This week has been damn good. Well, I’ve been damn good this week. My foods have been spot on. SPOT ON. I’m so proud of myself. Seriously. But more than that, I’m kind of in awe at how easy it really is to eat spot on and primarily plant-based! I’ve been incorporating a lot more bananas into my diet. And dates. Lord are dates yummy!!

I’m going to try to have fruits early in the day and then end each day with a salad or a homemade dressing/dip for some veggies (inspired by the incredibly vibrant Tannyraw on youtube and instagram). I think that’s why I’ve been adding more bananas into my diet. That and they’re cheap and payday isn’t until today.

Tomorrow, Joe Cross from Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead (FSND) is having a book discussion and book signing of his new book Juice it to Lose it. I’M GOING DAMMIT!! Maybe it’ll be the kick in the ass I need to go forth with a complete Juice Reboot. While FSND inspired me immensely to add more fruits, veggies, and juices into my life, I still haven’t done a Fast. I still haven’t been able to wrap my head around ONLY drinking juice for X amount of days. The idea of not chewing actual food scares me. I adore food so much. But maybe this new book, which I have yet to purchase and read, will help push me in that direction. (I’m not advocating anything to anyone, I’m just talking about me and my life and my health.)

All I know for sure is that I’ve pretty much proven to myself that eating plant-based and getting rid of the dairy and meat and processed shit food really and truly makes me feel SO. MUCH. MORE. ALIVE.

I feel healthy.

My weight is still not where it “should” be but by god, I feel fucking good.

And that… that is what it’s all about when you’re living the dream of living life to the fullest.

a new month

Here we are in May already.

I can write gobs and gobs on how fast the time flies, but then more time will pass and what good would come of that?

I’m really getting back into the swing of clean eating. Last Friday, after finally getting paid and having some money, the kid and I went to Costco and loaded up on oranges, bananas, spinach, coconut water, chia seeds, romaine lettuce heads, cucumbers, mini sweet peppers, carrots, mangoes, blackberries, dates… so much goodness. On Saturday we stopped off at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and I picked up some Debbie Meyer green boxes as well as some popsicle molds.

I spent lots of time Saturday and Sunday juicing, prepping produce, meal prepping for the week, etc. It felt good. In control.

All week so far I’ve eaten completely plant-based. And I gotta admit: I FEEL AMAZING.

I’m a week or so away from my period so the fact that I’m feeling so good, so in control… WOW. Kinda mind-blowing.

And here’s a kicker: I haven’t been working out. Normally the combo of eating good and working out makes me feel like a million bucks so the fact that I’m feeling so good during PMS without the exercise is a dream.

I’m back to at least two 16 ounces of juice a day (so 32 ounces/day). I’m making smoothies nearly every day too. It’s just too easy not to– especially when I’m really hungry after work. I just throw together a smoothie with some dates and bam!, I’m good for several hours.

I made a salad dressing/dip using our high speed blender and celery and hemp seeds as the base! WHO AM I? Well, I’m NOT one of the many you-tubers that I’ve been watching lately. There’s so many inspiring channels out there and for that I’m SO grateful. I’d be lost without them. TannyRaw, FullyRawKristina, Reach4Raw, Rawvanna, etc.

While I do eat cooked quinoa and some cooked veggies (like the Love Beets I picked up at Costco), what these ladies do and eat completely makes sense to me. And they inspire me every day to just keep going. I even ordered some Cacao Nibs to replace the dark chocolate I occasionally have!

And it’s not that I’m doing any of this to save the animals. I’m not doing this to be better than anyone. I’m not doing this for anything other than I FEEL AMAZING. Plus. It’s really and truly not that hard! And the more raw you eat, the easier your prep is so it can be even easier.

I just gotta keep on going and keep on moving forward.

 

three weeks later

I’m a bit disappointed in myself. I haven’t written in weeks and that’s not good. I want to really document this journey. I want to better understand who I am and why I do the things I do (or don’t do) to myself. And in order to understand that, I need to keep myself accountable and document it all. And posting pics on Instagram or Facebook doesn’t count because that doesn’t show the whole story. It only shows the good choices (for the most part). It doesn’t show the times I just eat because I can

because I’m sad

because I’m lonely

because I’m upset

because I’m happy

because I’m tired

because it’s there…

It’s all a part of my life and I have to be my biggest fan because I just don’t have the time or energy to wait for someone else to do that for me.

I’m responsible for myself.

I’m responsible for the size of clothing I wear.

I’m responsible for the type of food I put into my mouth.

It’s all on me. And I love me, dammit.

***

We took the kid on a vacation the other week. It was her Spring Break and we wanted to surprise her with a trip to a water-park resort. It was all pretty amazing and fun and quite successful of a surprise trip.

I strayed a bit from eating primarily plant-based. I kind of knew I would so I didn’t beat myself up about it. What good would that have done? Instead, I enjoyed a burger and fries, ice cream, and pizza a several times over the past several weeks- mostly during Spring Break (last week). But. Even though I did eat poorly at times, it was truly at times and not ALL the time. So for that I’m immensely proud.

Also- something else worth noting during my Break was my reaction to animal product foods: There were several times when my stomach churned at the the thought of ingesting animal. And the amount of animal people eat with every meal is astounding. Fuck that.

I’m not eating primarily plant-based because of the way animals are treated (my reason is because it makes me feel SO much better)… but… it’s hard to ignore. Really hard once it’s ingrained in your head.

That said, I honestly don’t know if I will ever *never* have a burger again. I can pretty easily give up on steak (which I NEVER IN ALL MY LIFE thought I would say or think) and chicken and milk and eggs and even cheese (most days), but burgers are just so incredibly wonderful to me.  (This is where having a nasty reaction when eating copious amounts of milk [ice cream] comes in handy. I LOVE ice cream almost as much as I love my kid, but it doesn’t love me; and while I could eat it every day, I absolutely canNOT eat it every day. This helps me stay away from it more so than I’m able to stay away from burgers & fries.)

***

Truthfully, it’s been over a full week since I’ve had a juice and I really miss it. I just haven’t had the time or the money to juice. I’ve made several smoothies, but no juice and boy am I yearning for juice again.

***

Chia seeds have become a staple in my diet lately. I really do love them and incorporate them into my meals at least twice a day– once in the morning with my oats and once in the evening with my smoothie.

 

honesty

The main purpose of this blog is for me to document the truth about my journey to a healthier me. And the truth is that yesterday on the way home from work, I stopped for some veggies to juice and also picked up a bag of Doritos and a bag of plain potato chips. Then, during the 40 minute drive home, I proceeded to stuff my hole full of Doritos and Chips, alternating between the two.

Imagine driving down the highway and seeing someone do this. Can you see it? Can you see them bringing their hand to their mouth over and over again? Okay, so maybe you don’t know what it is they’re doing, but surely it must look odd. Or maybe you drive up next to them and are in a truck so you can see the bags laying beside her, you can see her reaching in to one bag then another and bring the chips to her mouth. Over and over again.

That was me yesterday. In broad daylight.

The chips tasted great. I didn’t want sugar, I wanted salt and I justified it just like that– it’s better to have salty shit food than sugar. Sugar is the enemy. It really and truly is and while I do still believe that, I also believe it’s a LOT fucked up that I can justify binging on TWO FUCKING BAGS of chips because it wasn’t sugar.

Granted I didn’t finish the bags but I did eat about half of each. These were regular full size bags of chips- please don’t think for a minute I did this with single serving sized bags.

I probably could’ve kept eating till the bags were empty but I was getting close to home and needed to carry a bunch of shit into the house so I stopped eating. Just like that. And I went into the house with all the crap I needed to bring in and left the chips on the counter. Just like that. No more. I was done with the chips. Instead I downed about 20 ounces of water. Cold water. It was good and calming against all the salt that bathed my mouth and tongue.

For dinner I had a smoothie made with kale-celery-apple-ginger juice plus frozen pineapple, a banana, and flax meal. It was a yummy smoothie but it certainly didn’t make up for the thousand (or so?) calories I inhaled during the drive home.

And today, I start all over again. Like an alcoholic.

But I’m okay with all of this. I’m okay with it because it wasn’t sugar, because I was able to stop, because I was able to move on, and because I didn’t just keep piling the shit into my mouth the rest of the night. The scary thing is that had that car-ride binge been with chocolates or something sugary, I have no doubt I wouldn’t have been able to stop.

That’s fucking scary to me.

Sugar really is evil. Worse than goddamn drugs and alcohol. ANYONE and EVERYONE has access to sugar.

found the burger, found the shake

yesterday i indulged big time with a incredibly delicious burger, fries and NUTELLA milkshake. oh my word was it good. i have a feeling this will be my new go-to place for when i just feel like i have to have something more than plant-based.

the thing is, i physically felt like crap afterward. like i was drunk and hungover at the same time. when we got home, i took a two fucking hour nap, too!! i felt like i absolutely had no other choice. i had hoped it would be a 10 minute catnap but two hours later and i finally dragged myself out of bed.

this is what sugar, especially, does to me. and while that nutella shake was absolute perfection, i’m not sure i’ll have one again. at least not this week. 😉

my PMS is something fierce and i really *had* to have a burger. the shake was an added bonus, but it was the burger i needed. and the burger i’m sure i will have again.

while i feel my best drinking juices and smoothies and eating plant-based, the fact is that there will be times when i venture away from that. my goal is to make sure that i don’t go back to that full time and that i find my way back to juices, smoothies, plant-based foods the next meal or day.

these are all my own choices i’m making. i chose a burger and shake yesterday. today i choose plant-based and no sugar.

werefore art thou, shit food?

this weekend was pretty bad. i mean, the weekend wasn’t bad but my eating was pretty bad. it started Friday when i met a friend and her kids at a phenomenal deep dish pizza joint. we had pizza. deep dish pizza. with lots of real cheese. IT. WAS. FUCKING. AMAZING. and i have no regrets.

but then she made me take the leftovers home– an entire half of the pizza. so guess what i ate Saturday for lunch? mmm hmm.

again, no regrets but it didn’t end there- oh no it didn’t because Saturday night i met the same friend (sans the kids) for dinner, drinks, and a movie. and i indulged in some rather unhealthy pub food (damn tasty tho) and about, oh, four or so martinis. (i was pretty plastered, ha!)

then, during the movie, i devoured the treats she got us– candy and salt & caramel popcorn (the latter being the best popcorn i’d ever eaten).

yesterday was a wee better and more juicing was done so today i’m right back at it… but i’m yearning for the shit food. can’t lie, won’t lie. pizza, chips, cookies, ice cream- wherefore art thou? it’s not at all helping that my boobs hurt like a bitch and i’m crampy so, therefore, PMS has decided to smack me down again this month.

i’ll push through. i will. i will, I WILL.

oh and still digging the chia seeds- particularly in my morning oats and smoothies. YUM. i also picked up some nutritional yeast in the hopes to move away from real cheese that i love so much. i’m done with cow’s milk, but cheese on pizza? i miss it so so so.

still no coffee. so weird not waking in the mornings on the weekend and not immediately making and drinking coffee.