exhale

I just wrote two hand-written letters: one to my daughter, one to my husband.

Writing the one to my girl wasn’t so difficult because I just essentially told her how freaking much I love and adore her. Easy peasy.

The one for my husband was more difficult. I cried. Hard.

I’m terrified of dying on Friday during surgery.

This whole time I’ve been pretty damn excited about all of this, about the prospect of being able to get a second chance at living a HEALTHY and happy and active life and then, all of sudden this morning, the fear of dying crept in.

I’m not afraid of the actual surgery; I’m actually excited about that!

But being this close to both Christmas and my sweet doll’s 7th birthday is freaking me out because if I die, how horrifying that would be for her, for my husband?!! For the rest of their lives, they’d always have that reminder of me passing away just before Christmas the year our sweet girl turned 7. And my sweet girl?! OMG just the thought of not experiencing what’s to come for her sickens me. : (

So I wrote them letters telling them how much I love them and how thankful I am for them because if either of them thought, for one second, I felt any differently… poop!

 

two more days. i can do this.

one more week

I got an official letter of approval for surgery from my insurance yesterday. Not a day too soon at one week out, eh?! Seriously though, reading the letter… it brought tears to my eyes. Good tears because this is really and truly going to happen and I won’t have to figure out a way to pay for it (other than my deductible)… but sad tears because, if I’m being completely honest with myself, I can’t believe it’s come to this.

In one week I’ll be having surgery… To remove most of my stomach... In the hopes that it helps me lose weight and keep it off once and for all… Because I’ve had a lifelong battle with food… Because I’ve used food as my crutch, my drug of choice for nearly all my life.

That’s sad. To me, that is a sad fact to swallow.

When I told my husband I got teary reading the letter and why he said, “You don’t have to go through with it.”

“I do!” I responded. “I mean, of course I don’t have to do anything, but if I don’t do this… it’s like I’m giving up.”

We’ve both struggled with obesity for probably the same amount of time. So I know he understands. But I also know he’s a wee worried for me, which I understand.

Still, it’s all good. I’m really excited. For the first time since I can remember, I truly feel like I will be able to succeed at living a healthy and active life.

My goodness I can’t wait!

 

single digit countdown!

So this liquid diet thing is making it seem like things are moving so slowly but the reality is that I’M HAVING SURGERY NEXT FRIDAY. That’s only 9 days away!

Single digits, yo!

I think this realization of it being literally a matter of days now has kind of put me into a panic mode.

Should I start wrapping my kids holiday and birthday presents now, pre-surgery, or will I have the energy to do so post-op? 

OMG this is the last weekend I can do anything really holiday fun with my girl since next weekend I’ll be in the hospital and the weekend after that is Christmas already!

I’ll be okay on my own at home the week following surgery leading up to Christmas, right? I don’t need my husband to stay home or someone to take care of me, right?!

Will I be okay to drive the week after surgery leading up to Christmas? We have so much going on in other areas in our lives that could really benefit from me being able to drive somewhere that week. Not too far and not to do anything strenuous but, am I crazy to think this will all be possible to do?

9   D A Y S

 

 

 

two freaking weeks

That’s all I have till surgery: two freaking weeks. And it’s the holiday season so we all know that these two weeks are going to go by in a freaking flash.

WOW.

I start my liquid diet today (4-6 protein shakes & water; 700-900 calories/day). So far I’ve had about 30 ounces of water (I’m a big time water drinker) and one protein shake made with unsweetened almond milk, some peanut powder and instant decaf all mixed in. It was okay. I’m not at all fond of the aftertaste but I guess that’s what water is for.

I’m currently drinking a sugar free, decaffeinated French Vanilla Cafe instant coffee. I usually use this as a creamer but there wasn’t any decaf made (at work) and I wasn’t in the mood to make it. It tastes better used as a creamer. I miss real coffee.

In the fridge is 16 ounces of milk for up to two more shakes. I have my shaker bottle ready to go and I’ve portioned out 2 scoops of chocolate and 2 scoops of vanilla protein powder. I’m allowed honey, peanut butter, whatever I want to add to the shakes as long as they remain sugar free and liquid. Although honey isn’t exactly sugar free but it’s on the list so whatever.

I have two cans of soup here at work in case I absolutely feel the need for something more. As a last resort because I don’t believe soup, even strained, is allowed during this pre-op phase (though it is allowed post-op phase of the liquid diet), but I figure it’s better to have that, than to have nothing but the freaking vending machines, etc.

My mindset is great.

Actually I’m feeling pretty great all around despite having incredibly sore boobs due to PMS. I’m certain the incredible sleep I’m getting thanks to the cpap is a great help for these feelings.

I’m confident I will succeed at being  a rule follower these next two weeks.

That said, I’m a bit fearful for the weekend. I promised my dad we’d visit as it’s been well over a month since we’ve seen him. And he has no idea I’m doing any of this. And he’s not one to hold his tongue on anything. So I’m not sure what’s going to happen when it’s time to eat and I’m not eating anything. I’ll have to lie and say I’m not feeling well, but I don’t know if I can sell it because I’m an eater. I love ALL the foods. Even when ill, I love all the foods and never have a problem eating. Ugh, I’m not looking forward to this visit at all but such is life sometimes and I will prevail, dammit!

Welp…

Shit’s getting real. Like, for real real.

I pre-registered for surgery this morning and moments ago I set up my last appointment before surgery, the Pre-Surgical Testing: Upper GI, Chest Xray, EKG, Blood work-up.

  • In two days, I start the liquid diet (for my plan it’s specific protein shakes and water and protein shakes…) for two full weeks.
  • In five days, I have my pre-surgical testing done.
  • In ten days, I have another WLS group meeting to attend (my own choice).
  • In twelve days, I have my pre-op appointment with my surgeon.
  • In fifteen days, I can have nothing more than clear liquids all day.
  • In sixteen days, I go in for surgery.

I don’t have a time yet but. Um. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.

And I’m REALLY getting excited again.

December is going to be one helluva month, that’s for sure, because not only do I have the above going on, but there’s also:

  • In twenty-four days, it’s Christmas Eve (which is when everyone comes to my place and we feast on schnitzel and potatoes and sweets… this year I guess I’ll be sipping while they all feast).
  • In twenty-five days, it’s Christmas Day (which is when I make sticky buns that my almost 7 year old daughter anticipates and looks forward to having every single year. I’ll still make them, of course, but I’ll be sipping on a protein shake while she indulges and I smile on watching her light up.)
  • In twenty-nine days, my baby girls turns 7 (sniff, sniff, sniff). (Not sure what we’re doing that day, but it will be something special as always. Her choice. Last year we took her to LegoLand and Benihana. She loved both. This year I think she wants to go to the zoo [she LOVES animals] but I’m not sure if it’ll be open [are they open in winter in Chicago?]. And of course we’ll take her out to eat… which will be my first outing post-op and I’ll still be on my liquid diet phase so not really sure how that’s all going to work but it will it will it will!)

#sweatingsucks

It’s in the 70s today in Chicago. That’s weird and I don’t like it. Why? Because it makes me sweat too much and I abhor sweating.

I was thinking of this as I trudged my way to the car during my lunch break.

The sweating didn’t really start till I hauled ass in Costco to find a bag of Chia seeds… then I “ran” back out to the car, over to get gas, back to work, then hustled my fat ass back inside the building.

I hate sweating so much but a year from now, should it be 70 degrees out this close to end of the year, I shouldn’t be sweating unless I really exert myself to do so. I should be (could be?) half my body size a year from now and that will greatly reduce my sweat capacity, no?

Goodness, I hope so. 

Outside of feeling more alive and being more active, not sweating so much (until menopause truly hits I suppose) is something I cannot freaking wait to experience.

Being morbidly obese isn’t as easy as it may look eh.

30 more days

32 days to go

I’m beginning to come to terms with all of this– that I’m having WLS in a little more than a month, that I’m completely changing my life.

It’s a big freaking deal, yo.

My sweet baby girl (she’s almost 7 and not a baby as she often tells me though, as I always answer back, she’ll always be my baby) told me last night that I was beautiful. We were drifting off to sleep and she made sure I heard her:

“Mama?” she whispered.

“Mmm,” I replied.

“Mama?” she whispered again.

I opened my eyes and could see her eyes were open and looking right into me as we lay face to face in bed.

“Yeah baby?”

“You’re beautiful,” she said.

I couldn’t help but smile. And I could feel my insides start to weep a bit, too.

“Oh baby,” I answered. “You’re SO beautiful.”

“But you’re more beautiful.”

This isn’t our nightly routine. Generally she turns on some music and I tell her I love her and to have sweet dreams and close my eyes and fall asleep before she does and that’s that. A few times she’s reached out to place her hand on my face and tell me she loves me, but none of this “beautiful” business.

“Thank you baby doll,” I said before we both drifted off to sleep.

And now this morning as I write this, I’m left to wonder if she senses that changes are coming…

My husband and I have eluded to surgery in conversation, but we’ve been pretty careful not to really discuss it in terms of “surgery” or “hospital”, etc. I don’t want to scare her. I was originally planning to tell her I’m having surgery, of course, but not until that day or the day before.

But maybe I should tell her sooner?

I’ve always been honest with her and I’m a believer that kids hear everything; they may not understand all that’s going on, but they’re aware that something’s happening. So I’m wondering if maybe she knows things are going to drastically change. I don’t want her to worry and I fear she will worry if I tell her too soon, but I also don’t want her to stress out thinking that something is wrong.

I’m sure I’m not making much sense with what I’m feeling regarding my girl and telling her. I’m probably just projecting a lot of emotional pain I endured as a young child onto her. Or maybe I’m not? I don’t know.

I do know, however, that having this surgery is important for so many reasons, but mainly to live a healthy, happy, active life watching my sweet baby girl grow and blossom.