6 months till i’m 45

So my period that came two and half weeks late and had me feeling, wondering if maybe I was just going a tad insane has left the building already. In fact, I only had one rough horror show day; by day four, there was nothing. (“Normally” my periods are heavy as fuck for the first two or three days before they taper down to nothing by day five or six so what happened this time – with the exception of waiting an additional 2 weeks for it! – is coolio with me.)

I’m like 99% confident I’m perimenopausal after doing some more research, and have ordered a book about menopause from a Dr. Northup. I need to figure out how to deal with this shit before it drives me truly insane.

Eating has been pretty spot on since getting my period. I’ve been feeling great since getting my period. This is my life though… until a week or so before my next period comes and the bloating and irritability and the need to want to do harm to others starts creeping back in slowly. Like a freaking stalker waiting for the right moment to make its move and attack.

I’m pretty confident eating healthily and exercising more routinely will not only help me get more and more healthy and less and less obese, but it will also help with the menopause shit, too.

At least I haven’t experienced hot flashes yet.

But then again… maybe VSG alleviated some of that because prior to surgery, I was pretty much literally a hot mess all the time.

Hmm.

3rd post in one single week

And JUST LIKE THAT…

I’m back to feeling on top of the world and in absolute control of everything!

Why?

Because I finally got my motherfucking period yesterday. Two and half weeks late. So I spent nearly a month’s time dealing with PMDD.

NO FUCKING WONDER WHY I ATE A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS night before last.

I’m a gazillion percent certain that there’s at least one person in the world who would read this and think, “Nice excuse.”

And that’s cool.

It is an excuse.

But, it’s a valid one I can promise you that.

Unless you’ve dealt with food addiction, unless you’ve dealt with PMDD- and I mean really dealt with it by personally living through a couple months of feeling like you’re losing your fucking mind (which is very much how I feel some months when PMSing)- there’s just no way you can really comprehend this excuse.

 

Onward!

potato chips

When my uncle passed away 16 months ago, my aunt put a pack of Marlboro reds in his coffin during the wake- to later be buried with him.

There were a lot of pictures and flowers and even a little stuffed rottweiler puppy in there too, but the thing that stood out the most was the little white and red box of cigarettes resting near his right hand.

Uncle had open heart surgery a good 15 years prior and even after that, and being told time and time again that he must quit smoking or he would die “soon”, he never could. In fact, the week before he passed away while in the hospital after suffering a stroke, he asked my father for a cigarette (my dad quit smoking 20 years ago).

The image of the pack of cigarettes in the coffin actually makes me smile. I know it probably shouldn’t because it really is what ultimately sent him to his grave, but he was just so darn stubborn about his smoking. And in the 40+ years I can recall with him in my life, I always remember him with a cigarette… specifically a Marlboro red. So I guess it was kind of fitting to see a pack next to him when saying goodbye.

***

Yesterday my dinner consisted of a “small” bag of Sour Cream and Onion JAYS potato chips. It wasn’t a family size bag, but it wasn’t one of those 25 cent bags either. I believe it had 3 servings of chips in the bag.

I’m 2.5 months out from having vertical sleeve gastrectomy weight loss surgery and my dinner last night was a fucking bag of potato chips.

I don’t feel guilty about this; I don’t particularly feel bad. I do feel a bit disappointed in myself, but I also know that today is a new day and I will move forward.

I’ve been reading the book EAT WHAT YOU LOVE LOVE WHAT YOU EAT and I want to be truly cognitive of why I’m eating, when I’m eating, how I’m eating, etc–hence this post.

I bought the chips on Sunday when I ran out to get a prescription. Because on Sunday I had a taste for salty, crunchy chips. But by the time I bought them, I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t eat them and just left them in the car.

Then yesterday, I thought about the fucking chips all day long because I had them–I knew they were there. So after I dropped my kid off to her evening activity and after I got some gas and walked around a bit, I found myself opening the bag of chips while on the way back to picking up my girl.

And sure as shit, I ended up stuffing down the entire bag by the time I parked the car to pick up my girl.

Was I hungry? Maybe a little.

Honestly though, I believe I ate the chips because I thought about them all day long, because I knew the chips were there. And I knew if I didn’t eat them, they’d be there until I either ate them or threw them away. And if I bought the bag in the first place, there was no way I’d throw it out.

So yeah, I ate the chips. All of them.

The “good” news is that I was stuffed after eating the chips. Stuffed. That’s the restriction from VSG, thank god almighty. (Pre-VSG, I would’ve acted like the chips were nothing and had a full meal of whatnot with my girl after her class was over. But I absolutely couldn’t do that last night. Thank god.)

So I ate the chips. And it’s not the first time I’ve had chips since surgery (but it’s definitely the first time I’ve had that much).

I’m not a perfect bariatric patient.

I’m not a perfect human being.

I have issues with food. Not even surgery can fix this about me.  Not yet at least. I’m working on it- that’s why I’m blogging my truth here.

Like I said yesterday, my reasons for WLS wasn’t to be be thin or “not” fat. My goal is to be healthy. And part of being healthy, in my opinion, has to do with my mental game.

So yeah, I ate the chips. All of them.

And now it’s time to move on and continue toward my goal of becoming healthy and eating healthily, and hopefully, when my time is up, there won’t be a bag of chips by my side in my coffin.

10+ weeks post-op

I went to dinner with a group of new friends over the weekend. We’re all moms whose children all went to the same school at one point or another. Not necessarily at the same time, but that’s our common denominator. It’s pretty cool, if you ask me. I’m not a people-y person whatsoever so going to dinner with a group of women (one of which I’ve known for about three years now and consider a dear friend) I’ve only known for about a year is very much out of my comfort zone, but it’s been quite enjoyable.

This was actually our second dinner out since my surgery, but the first time it (WLS) came up as a focal point during dinner.

Generally, being the non-people-y person that I am, I absolutely avoid having the conversation be all about me for too long. I’m just not comfortable with it. But Saturday was different. And in a good way.

There was five of us that evening and all but me and one other were of average size. And the one besides me who was a little fluffy, wasn’t morbidly obese like me.

They asked how I was feeling, how I was doing. They commented that I looked good and that they could see a difference in my face and appearance despite my comments of the scale not going down in about a month’s time.

“So what was it that really pushed you to get the surgery?” one spokesperson finally asked.

I smiled. I didn’t feel judged. I felt like they really wanted to know why I went the route I did, when I did. And it all boiled down to just needing a little extra help and not being ashamed to seek it out.

I told them how I’d lost 50-plus pounds three times in my adult life. I told them how I’d been overweight since puberty hit, how I got my first period at age 9 and how, by age 10, I was in a regular adult sized bra (never even knew about “training bras”). I told them how I went to a ton of schools (including 4 high schools) because my mom was constantly evading credit collectors. I told them how food became my best friend- sometimes my only friend.

I also told them about losing 75 pounds in less than a year with a low carb diet (and how freaking HOT I had become) and exercise. I told them about being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in 2014, and how I’d lost 60 pounds in less than a year by watching what I ate and exercising sometimes twice a day to avoid being put on medication for the diabetes.

I told them all of this not for them to feel sorry for me and not as an excuse for my morbid obesity, but because this was where I came from and this all led to my decision to get WLS. I just had enough with fighting obesity and just needed help getting healthy.

It’s not about being thin for me.

It’s not about Not being fat.

It’s about feeling good and alive and able and HEALTHY.

For once in my friggin life I want to be as healthy as possible… for myself and my sweet baby girl (who is 7).

And for once in my life, I feel like this is all truly doable…thanks to WLS.

2 months post-op

Yesterday marked 2 months since VSG and that should mean I’m still in the honeymoon phase of all of this life change. Sadly, I also have PMDD and am raging right now on the inside. I just need to bleed. Once I bleed, it will get better but until then, holy mother of all there is, I’m raging.

Stay away from me.

I mean it.

Up until about two days ago, my food intake has been absolutely spot on (since being cleared to eat all foods). I’ve been eating when I was hungry only. I’ve been eating real food. I’ve been avoiding Slider Foods. I’ve been feeling fucking good as a result.

But then two days ago when I realized I should’ve started bleeding five days ago and still hadn’t (no chance of pregnancy), when the cramping and irritability started to overcome … I started to comfort myself with food again. And here’s what I’ve learned: Slider foods are evil evil EVIL. Much like sugar. Cookies, chocolate, chips, low/no protein foods = EVIL. And they also make me feel like shit. Absolute shit. Yet, in the moment of inhalation, I can’t stop myself.

And then I’m left so bloated and uncomfortable and desperately needing to poop in addition to bleed, and my 7-year-old is asking if I’m going to have a baby because of how freaking bloated I’ve become.

So now I sit here having had two cups of coffee and 30 ounces of water and praying to have to use the bathroom, yet not having to. And hoping to see blood, but not seeing any. And wanting to slam my head into a brick wall over and over again, but not finding said wall.

And to think I take fucking Prozac (every day) to ease my rage when it gets this bad. Maybe it’s time to up the dosage.

 

post op day 52

I’m approaching two months since VSG and I can honestly say that my life is pretty much back to normal as far as recovering from surgery and being used to having a much smaller stomach.

For the most part.

There are still moments when I look at food or think of food and get a bit sad that I can’t eat everything (I want or) I thought I could, but more than not, I’m truly digging eating such small portions. And I’m basically eating whatever, too: I’ve had rice, pasta, salad; I’ve had sweets, salts, sours. I’ve basically had it all and am finding that my pouch is pretty tolerant of everything.

From all that I’ve read, I’m absolutely counting my blessings on this one.

That said, the number on the scale isn’t moving much at all. I’m guessing that is because the scale is a motherfucker. Heh, in all seriousness (it IS a mofo but I digress), I’m guessing it’s because my calorie count is higher than most post-op bariatric patients. Especially this early out… I’m eating 1000 to 1200 calories every day. I just don’t have a problem getting anything in. In fact, there has been a day or two where I’ve approached (if not surpassed!!!) 1500 calories! And while that amount is NOT a lot for a normal adult, it IS a lot for a bariatric patient. At least as far as I can tell from all that I read online.

Here’s the thing about this: I’m totally OK with these numbers- both on the scale and those that I’m digesting.

Am I happy the scale isn’t moving and hasn’t moved in weeks? No. Am I going to harp on this ditty? Fuck no.

MY WORTH IS WAY MORE THAN A NUMBER ON A SCALE OR MY PANTS!

I’ll just continue to plan meals and focus on PROTEIN FIRST and trying to get more activity in my day and soon, I’m certain, I’ll be complaining that nothing fits anymore (it’ll all be too big of course).

 

 

43 days post op

Eating real food… whoa it’s filling!

Last night I had chicken salad I made the night before (chopped up rotisserie chicken, chopped up celery, dressing including mayo, non fat greek yogurt, seasonsings)  that I was really looking forward to eating all day. I accidentally ate too much. And by that I mean, I didn’t really believe I was full but holy mother of all there is, I was SO full. I’m not sure how I didn’t end up puking but I didn’t. Instead, the food just sat there right below my throat. I guess all the food (and I swear it wasn’t more than 1/4 cup) just filled my tiny tummy to the point that it got backed up into my esophagus? That’s how it felt at least.

And here I am now again in the same situation after eating some chicken fried rice(d veggies). No real rice involved– just rice sized veggies and chicken and soy sauce. Again, I don’t think I’ve eaten more than a 1/4 cup of food and BAM the food is just backed up again. It feels like I could hurl at any second, but I don’t think I will, thankfully.

I guess I really DID have WLS after all. Seriously, most of the time, I just FEEL so normal that I guess I forget that I just cannot eat all that much. I’ve GOT to start paying more attention to what I’m eating and how much of it because I do not like this feeling of wanting to vomit.

That said, this week I’ve been fabulous with my food choices. Limited carbs, lots of protein (first- always first!!), tons of water. I haven’t stepped on the scale much and that’s okay… for me, it’s about how I feel and I’m feeling damn good (when I’m not stuffed to the max) and my clothes are getting bigger and bigger on me! 🙂

I haven’t really had anyone comment yet about if I’m losing weight, but I’m  okay with that, too. Only a very select few people even know I had the surgery, so at least when/if I get comments, they’ll be legit. Besides, my coworkers and such have seen me lose a LOT of weight before and gain it back more than once now in the near 15 years I’ve worked here… so I’m guessing for any of them to comment this time, it will take a significant amount lost and maintained for a while.

Good thing I didn’t have VSG for other people’s perception of me eh.

 

6 weeks (tomorrow)!

I met with the PA yesterday for my 6 week (tomorrow) follow-up appointment. As of yesterday’s weigh in at the office, I’m 23 pounds down since day of surgery, 31 since pre-op diet (41.3 BMI vs 47.3).

The best news, to me, is that I officially get to stop crushing pills (which was probably the worst thing about this whole experience for me) (I haven’t crushed them in a week already) and start eating everything and doing anything fitness wise too!

The PA said that they want me now to try and just have three meals a day and we talked a bit about how I feel like I’m constantly eating/hungry. She said I need to forget about all the smooth SLIDER foods and just eat real, high in protein food now: eggs, cheese, lean meats. She claims this will keep me much fuller for much longer and it makes total sense. Protein first (always), then veggies and fruit. Limit carbs.

Basically, it’s time to start officially living life normally again. Sounds good to me!

I scheduled another appointment for my three month follow-up end of March. Two weeks prior to that I’ll have my blood tested so they can go over the results at the follow-up. I’m already taking only half the dose of the pill I’m on for high blood pressure (my BP has been awesomely “normal” for ages). Hopefully I can quit taking it all together, as well as quit taking the lowest dose I’m on for high cholesterol.

The only thing that’s left is to start committing to exercising. I have no freaking excuses anymore not to do something more than just walk as much throughout the day as I can. Yeah, I park far away on purpose and get up at least once an hour if not more, but I need to do more. For my mind and my body.

32 days post-op

I’ve been eating more soft solids now for several days and, as promised, I’m feeling much more full when eating. I can’t even truly compute this to be honest. Yesterday, for example, we went for arancini (Italian rice balls). In the past I’d have no problem putting away two of these delicious bad boys (it’s a breaded and fried big ball of rice with something in the center– generally meat sauce and peas but my favorite is spinach and ricotta), but yesterday could only eat HALF–of ONE. And I feel like I really pushed it eating half as I was S-T-U-F-F-E-D after.

When I was finished with my half, I looked on at amazement at the other half just sitting there on my plate. My eyes and head wanted to keep eating but there was no way I could. And I can’t even begin to express how INCREDIBLE this is to me.

All of my life I’ve been stuffing food into my pie hole and not really being satisfied no matter what I ate, no matter how much I ate, now matter how often I ate. But now? Now?! Now that I’ve been Sleeved, I finally feel normal. Granted I’m eating WAY less than everyone else around me, including my 7 year old, but the fact that I absolutely have to stop eating makes me feel more normal some how.

Is this just the honeymoon phase of being sleeved? Or is this my new normal?

Hell, is this real life?!?

That all being said, I do start getting hungry just two hours after eating something…even if I stuff myself. I try drinking more water or having a decaf coffee or something, but I usually have to give in and eat. But I’m eating excellent things like cottage cheese with a little fruit, or an egg muffin (egg, cheese, kale, turkey sausage baked in muffin tins) or two for the most part.

Still need to get back into a routine of being more active.

25 days post-op

I’m still here and still blending my foods and very much looking forward to the next stage of soft foods which I can start implementing on Friday: scrambled eggs, tuna, salmon, etc.

Friday is also going to be my first full day back to work in the office. I started working from home for 4 hours every morning last week. I’m so grateful that my boss is so cool regarding all of this because I didn’t want to eat away at all my sick time, yet work is a good 45 minutes each way away, and my stamina still isn’t quite up to par. Truthfully, I could probably use another week or so home, but I know I’ll be fine going back full time too. I just like being home and not interacting with people. 🙂

I talked to the surgeon’s office today and they want me to hold off on any activity that’s too strenuous until 6 weeks post-op. I was inquiring about incorporating yoga and the PA said I could try some stretching, but to be very mindful of any pain and to take things slow. In the meantime, she suggested more walking (which I haven’t been doing much of except for in the house back and forth) and a recumbent bike (which I actually have!). So now I need to get in the habit again with activity. Once I’m in the habit (in the past I’ve done it first thing in the AM or walked during breaks and at lunch during work), I’m consistent and I always feel so much better.