6 months till i’m 45

So my period that came two and half weeks late and had me feeling, wondering if maybe I was just going a tad insane has left the building already. In fact, I only had one rough horror show day; by day four, there was nothing. (“Normally” my periods are heavy as fuck for the first two or three days before they taper down to nothing by day five or six so what happened this time – with the exception of waiting an additional 2 weeks for it! – is coolio with me.)

I’m like 99% confident I’m perimenopausal after doing some more research, and have ordered a book about menopause from a Dr. Northup. I need to figure out how to deal with this shit before it drives me truly insane.

Eating has been pretty spot on since getting my period. I’ve been feeling great since getting my period. This is my life though… until a week or so before my next period comes and the bloating and irritability and the need to want to do harm to others starts creeping back in slowly. Like a freaking stalker waiting for the right moment to make its move and attack.

I’m pretty confident eating healthily and exercising more routinely will not only help me get more and more healthy and less and less obese, but it will also help with the menopause shit, too.

At least I haven’t experienced hot flashes yet.

But then again… maybe VSG alleviated some of that because prior to surgery, I was pretty much literally a hot mess all the time.

Hmm.

3rd post in one single week

And JUST LIKE THAT…

I’m back to feeling on top of the world and in absolute control of everything!

Why?

Because I finally got my motherfucking period yesterday. Two and half weeks late. So I spent nearly a month’s time dealing with PMDD.

NO FUCKING WONDER WHY I ATE A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS night before last.

I’m a gazillion percent certain that there’s at least one person in the world who would read this and think, “Nice excuse.”

And that’s cool.

It is an excuse.

But, it’s a valid one I can promise you that.

Unless you’ve dealt with food addiction, unless you’ve dealt with PMDD- and I mean really dealt with it by personally living through a couple months of feeling like you’re losing your fucking mind (which is very much how I feel some months when PMSing)- there’s just no way you can really comprehend this excuse.

 

Onward!

2 months post-op

Yesterday marked 2 months since VSG and that should mean I’m still in the honeymoon phase of all of this life change. Sadly, I also have PMDD and am raging right now on the inside. I just need to bleed. Once I bleed, it will get better but until then, holy mother of all there is, I’m raging.

Stay away from me.

I mean it.

Up until about two days ago, my food intake has been absolutely spot on (since being cleared to eat all foods). I’ve been eating when I was hungry only. I’ve been eating real food. I’ve been avoiding Slider Foods. I’ve been feeling fucking good as a result.

But then two days ago when I realized I should’ve started bleeding five days ago and still hadn’t (no chance of pregnancy), when the cramping and irritability started to overcome … I started to comfort myself with food again. And here’s what I’ve learned: Slider foods are evil evil EVIL. Much like sugar. Cookies, chocolate, chips, low/no protein foods = EVIL. And they also make me feel like shit. Absolute shit. Yet, in the moment of inhalation, I can’t stop myself.

And then I’m left so bloated and uncomfortable and desperately needing to poop in addition to bleed, and my 7-year-old is asking if I’m going to have a baby because of how freaking bloated I’ve become.

So now I sit here having had two cups of coffee and 30 ounces of water and praying to have to use the bathroom, yet not having to. And hoping to see blood, but not seeing any. And wanting to slam my head into a brick wall over and over again, but not finding said wall.

And to think I take fucking Prozac (every day) to ease my rage when it gets this bad. Maybe it’s time to up the dosage.

 

things I learned yesterday

• Protein first from herein out. It’s imperative that I get at least 60 grams in a day. I don’t have a problem with that now, but may after surgery. So I’m going to start ensuring that things I’m eating now always have protein in it. And if I’m wanting something without protein, I’ll need to be sure to eat something else with protein at the same time. The nurse gave a great example yesterday of a patient who had lost a ton of weight and was feeling great, overall, but was so incredibly tired all the time. Turns out the patient was eating applesauce for lunch. It satisfied her because she didn’t drink for 30 minutes but there was no protein in the applesauce. Once the patient started adding unflavored protein powder to the applesauce (or had a piece of cheese in addition to the applesauce), she started feeling better.
• No drinking 30 minutes after eating. It makes sense and it reverts back to my early childhood when my grandparents wouldn’t allow us a drink at the table. They lived through horrendous when food was a luxury and drinking something pushed that food down and made them more hungry. I need to start practicing this with every single meal. This is not an easy task for me because I absolutely love drinking water and do so all day, every day. I won’t stop drinking water, but I did find an app – Baritastic – that has a water timer on it so that you just quick press a button and you just don’t drink anything till the timer goes off. I will be practicing this every meal from now till (and after) surgery.
• Eat like a baby after surgery. I think this was the biggest tip I got from yesterday’s session. When a baby is born, he drinks his mother’s milk or formula–liquids. That’s it for quite some time. Then he gets to try some purees, later some mashed foods, then soft, till finally he’s able to get introduced to regular foods. One at a time, you should introduce foods to a baby. The same should apply to a bariatric patient. Maybe not the duration of each food phase, but take your time with the phases and the new foods. I will have a new stomach. A much smaller, new stomach. I very well may not be able to eat the same kinds of foods I’m able to today. And I need to really stick by their guidelines with two weeks of liquids, two weeks of blended, two weeks of soft foods, etc. They’ve provided great examples for each category and I need to come to terms that this is the best for my new tummy and that, in time, I should be able to eat anything I want just in much smaller portions.
• Take your vitamins forever. This is actually a fear of mine- becoming healthy with my weight but unhealthy because of not enough proper nutrition. That’s where the vitamins come in to play and my center provides a fantastic array of proper vitamins to take and when. Also, it’s imperative to get blood work done when the center requests it (I think it’s every three months the first year but I could be wrong) and every year thereafter. If going to a regular doctor, tell them you’ve have bariatric surgery so they can be sure to test everything properly.
• Move your ass every day. I’m looking forward to this one, actually. It’s hard to be active when you’re carrying a lot of extra weight (I hate sweating), but I’m trying to walk more every day now and I know when the weight starts coming off, I’ll move more and I can’t wait. I’m not sure I’ll turn into a runner, but just parking father away and going for walks after dinner and to the park will be so much easier and doable and WILL become part of my every day like taking my vitamins and not drinking for 30 minutes after eating.

***

Ahh I’m getting super excited about all of this again! Taking care of me and being the best that I can is such an empowering experience and hopefully I can revert back to this if PMS or some other bullshit strikes.

Still no surgery date but hopefully that will come after next Monday’s cardiologist appointment.

I’m feeling real good lately (as of this past weekend). Still no period since early September and I’m okay with that. But I’m not okay with the hellacious PMS I endured this entire month up till this weekend. Scary shit.

***

My eating has been so much better since Friday. Not perfect, but so much more cognizant…if that makes sense. I’m just trying super hard to eat protein first and chew chew chew. The chewing 30 times or whatnot isn’t so bad unless I’m starving. Then it’s hard and I definitely haven’t chewed the way I will have to for everything I ate this weekend.

Water is tricky. I’m a big water drinker. I love it and drink it all day long from the moment I wake up till bedtime. As a result I get up to pee a lot during the night. Like three times usually. This sucks but I love my water and I think my skin shows it. Not drinking for 30 minutes after eating is near impossible. I found an app- Baritastic- that has a timer and so many other fun little things to help the bariatric patient. It’s a fantastic (heh) tool from what I can tell. I’m currently waiting 30 minutes to drink something and holy hell on earth it’s all I can think of– drinking glorious water! But I’m trying to train myself now before I’m forced to do it all once surgery is scheduled.

***

I let my boss and HR know that I’ll probably be needing some time off before the end of the year. I didn’t tell them why- other than I’ll be having surgery. I have to fill out all this paperwork for work, as does a physician. Jesus the paperwork and jump hooping is never-ending, eh?

***

Tomorrow I have a two hour (or is it three?) bariatric nutritional class that I’m really looking forward to attending. I have so many questions that I’m hoping will be answered… like will I have to chew to smithereens for always and forever or is that just till my new stomach heals? Same thing with the no drinking 30 minutes after eating.  Also, I’m really intrigued by the vitamins thing. I do NOT want to find myself free from an abundance of fat a year from now only to be malnourished or lacking vitamins.

 

just stuff

Allegedly, I should hear back today if insurance is approving this surgery or not. I really do hope the coordinator follows through without me having to send another email. I hate feeling like a pest, but I also know they’re crazy busy and maybe a reminder is what is needed.

***

My PMS has alleviated for the most part despite no actual bleeding. I’m still very occasionally cramping, but nothing like I was. It’s just weird and kinda fucked up to feel so freaking horrific–bloating, soreness, cramping, cravings, extreme irritability, etc–for so many weeks and not get my period to end it. And frankly, if this is what menopause is like??!? I think I’d rather just get my fucking period the rest of my life.

***

I don’t know if it’s the PMS or lack of period or the waiting for insurance or a combo of it all, but I’m feeling really down lately. Dammit. I hate feeling like this. Like I just don’t give a shit about much of anything.

I’m at the point where I’m kind of hoping I get denied this surgery so I can just cancel all the other fucking appointments and tests I’m scheduled for (for example, I have to have an abdomen ultrasound in the late afternoon in a couple of weeks and will have to endure NOTHING to eat OR drink for 6 hours prior!!!) and just go back to living my old life as a fat ass trying to eat healthier to live longer but not being obsessive about it all.

***

These are the moments when I thank sweet baby jesus for my daughter. My goodness does she light up my life.

WLS vs PMS

Still not sure if my insurance has approved the surgery so in the meantime I wait. Ever so patiently.

Uh huh, right!

While I wait, I’ve been trying to eat more like I would post-op: more protein, less shit/sugar/carbs. But it hasn’t been working so well.

At first I was telling myself that I was eating all the food because I could… because once I got surgery I couldn’t… because I deserve to. Truth of the matter is that I’ve been horrendously PMSing for weeks. WEEEEEEEKS. And there’s no sign of bleeding, which is a relief for me, in sight. I should’ve started my period the 9th- well over a week ago. Instead, I’ve just been crampy and irritable and uncomfortable and incredibly tired and short-tempered and hungry and feeling like I’m bleeding but not and and and, as a result, turning to food for comfort.

I absolutely eat all the foods when I’m PMSing. I try not to, I really do, but I feel so icky when I’m awake that food seems to be the only thing I can do (inhale it) to prevent me from losing my mind.

So what happens after surgery when PMS surfaces?!? I still have a couple Bariatric NUT classes to attend and a couple more doctor appointments but I’m not sure who to ask about this because PMS is a serious fucking thing to me. The Psych I met told me I should absolutely continue with taking the Prozac I take daily because of the severe PMS (PMDD) so of course I will (I turn very monster-like without it).

But how much longer do I have to endure these horrific weeks of PMS every single month?!

 

feeling out of control

I have my Psych Eval today. Apparently that involves taking a personality test of sorts and then an actual discussion with a psychologist who works with bariatric patients. I’m not that concerned with any of it; I just really wish I knew if this (the surgery) was going to happen.

This weekend was pretty bad as far as food was concerned. I’m PMSing something fierce and this is the time when I turn to food the most. I don’t even realize I’m doing it half the time till I’m done (bingeing). Or I do realize it but just don’t fucking care because it’s something else to do and think of other than the cramping and irritability that envelopes me before my period comes.

I wonder how this will change after surgery… I mean, I absolutely overate nearly every single fucking day this long weekend (was off yesterday cuz my girl was off from school) to the point of feeling sick half of the day, each day. I won’t be able to do this after surgery right? But the thing is, I DON’T WANT TO DO IT NOW. But it’s like I have no control right before my period. Then when I start bleeding, it’s insane how quickly I’m able to turn things around and actually care about what I put in my mouth.

So remember how I said I wasn’t really concerned with todays Psych Eval? Just right up there in that first paragraph I said it. Yeah, well I think I am concerned. Because I’m still not bleeding and I’m still extremely fucking irritable right now and that surely will come thru in the test and discussion, no? Fuck. Maybe I should just tell them when I sign in that that I’m in a shit place right now. But then I probably risk losing this appointment and having to wait weeks for another.

Hormones fucking blow.

JUNE!!

I started bleeding late Wednesday night so guess what? Just like that I’m feeling so much better. More normal. More in control. Just like that. Like a fucking switch was flipped.

Sometimes I sincerely feel like I’m losing my mind before I get my period. Like, I know my period is coming because of the date on the calendar and because of how shitty I’m feeling (sore boobs, headaches), but the mental madness I feel during this time? It’s dangerous. It’s scary. And it’s real – to me – yet somehow I don’t feel like it should be real. Doesn’t make sense, I know!!

Like I said, I feel like I’m losing my mind at times.

What does this have to do with food and health? Everything. Every fucking thing. No, really. The past two weeks I’ve done my best to eat clean. It’s been a struggle and one that I pretty much failed at, in all honesty… Breakfasts and lunches were pretty good for the most part, but that’s where it ended. I don’t even know how many chips and pieces of pizza I devoured the past couple of weeks. Devoured. And I can’t recall the last time I juiced! 😦

All that said and done, today I feel great again. Really and truly great. I’m eating clean (save for the mini burger last night- and truffle fries) and not even wanting to eat shit food. Instead, I’m absolutely loving the abundance of fresh fruits that are available right now.

I guess summertime is okay for something after all.

indulgence

This week.

This week is not good for me. I just want to eat EVERYTHING and so far I’ve indulged quite a bit:

• potato chips
• fries
• burgers
• cookie butter

I’m pretty sure I can “blame” PMS but I checked the calendar and I’m not due to bleed for another two whole fucking weeks. If I continue to eat the way I have been the past several days for two more weeks… fuck me, will I be sick!

I haven’t been juicing either and that’s not good. Especially when it’s been 90 degrees out and the last thing I want to do when I get home is cook something. So, because I don’t have a juice ready to drink or smoothie-fy, I choose complete shit food.

It doesn’t help that I’m down to counting change until payday so I can’t afford to go buy fruits and veg to juice/smoothie-fy… and let’s face it, yeah? Shit food like the above bullets is way more affordable than lovely plant-based foods.

This is only one small step back. I will not fall down completely. I will stand back up and move forward once again starting now. Right now.