waiting sucks the life outta you

I was mistaken yesterday when I noted that the health group- to which the bariatric center I’m interested in doing WLS with- has obtained medical records. The health group did, in fact, do that, but this was a result of my OBGYN yearly visit last week. I totally fucking forgot about that visit and when I saw that a history of sorts was submitted and paid to my insurance, I got super excited and assumed it was for WLS. But hello! I only just Wednesday night, two days ago, even gave the bariatric center my insurance info.

Why does this even matter?

A part of me was thinking the reason I was getting to see a surgeon so quickly (Monday) was because of this, because the center had obtained my records and it was noted in the system that I was good to go and to get me scheduled ASAP so that insurance can approve surgery and a date could be set.

Hopeful thinking. STUPID hopeful thinking.

I’m just anxious, really.

I just have been thinking of doing this for so long and now that I’m so close to getting to know if I can go thru with it… I’m just on edge.

And now the doubt sets in.

Fuck.

I’m pretty good about staying positive about things. I’ve worked so hard nearly half my life on letting things go and just focusing on the good. I really have. But doubt still manages to trickle its way into things. It always does, doesn’t it?

Now I’m kind of thinking… what IF my insurance doesn’t cover this? What IF the surgeon doesn’t think I’m a good candidate?

I will cry. So hard. So, so hard. I can’t and won’t think much beyond crying to be honest…

I’m so damn sure that I fit the bill and that there’s no way the insurance can deny me but the reality of it all is… I won’t know till that bridge is crossed.

Dammit, NONE of this is easy. None of it.

 

Seminar Summary

So I attended a three hour long weight loss surgery seminar last night and it was basically everything I’ve already researched presented to us by two WLS patients and a surgeon.

I was thoroughly impressed with the surgeon and the center, who are, apparently, highly accredited in the state. They’ve been around a while and specialize in bariatric care. What I especially appreciate is the fact that they have an entire pre- and post-op team there to support you. So instead of having to go to specialist after specialist for tests, you can get everything done at one place. And they seem to work hard with insurances, too.

Something else I found incredibly interesting is that WLS is one of the only surgeries where “they” make sure you’re “healthy” enough to undergo surgery. Like you’ve got to endure all these tests, both physically and mentally before you can even be approved to get the surgery, whereas if I, say, needed a hysterectomy, I would just get one. I’m sure I’m simplifying it more than the reality but in a way, having to jump through all these different hoops just to be considered a candidate for WLS is not necessarily a bad thing. Is it time consuming and nerve-wracking? Well duh. But, at least you get to come out knowing pretty much everything about your health which is priceless if you ask me.

WLS really is such a LONG freaking process so anyone (myself included!!) who thinks WLS it’s the “easy” way out is a fool. Notice I included myself?! Yeah, I never dreamed I’d be in a place even sincerely considering WLS, let alone setting up an appointment to meet with a surgeon! But here I am. Ready. More than ready.

Monday (4 days!!!) I consult with the surgeon one and one.

Early this morning I got notification from my insurance that a Physical History has been obtained (by the medical group the bariatric center is connected with) and paid for.

I have a bunch of paperwork to fill out for Monday’s appointment but I’m feeling crazy positive about this. I know my BMI meets the insurance standards to get WLS. I know WLS isn’t a cure-all to my issues with food, that it’s a tool to help me with my goals of being healthy and strong.

I know I’m ready to be the best me that I can be. More than ready.

reasons for WLS

 

Specific reasons for wanting WLS/VSG:

1. My sweet baby doll of a daughter. She’s 6.5 and is the most amazing thing in the world. She means everything to me and everything I do is because of her. And being truly healthy and active is something that I haven’t been able to be in all of my adult life and by god, it’s more than time I’m healthy and active!! I want to live to see her graduate high school, date (ugh), start her own family. I need to be here for her and hers for as long as humanly possible and in a way where I can be an active participant- not just old granny sitting in a wheelchair off in the corner!
2. Health. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes two years ago (numbers are controlled thru diet and exercise). At the same time, my doctor put me on a pill for high cholesterol. I’ve had high blood pressure for over 20 years (been on meds to control it all this time too). I just want to experience being truly healthy!
3. Age. I’m 44. I’ve been overweight since my teen years, morbidly obese for at least 10 years now. I’ve done diets and succeeded. I’ve exercised. But I’ve also always ended up gaining weight back and giving up. No more yo-yo numbers on the scale and the size of my clothes bullshit! I’m too old for this!
4. Life- and living it. I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines. For the most part I don’t let my weight prevent me from doing things, especially with a 6.5 year old watching, but I know I will feel more alive if I were healthier… if I didn’t have to constantly be consumed by the fat that encompasses my body.
5. Success. I need to feel successful. I’m tired of feeling like a failure every single time I try to eat better or work out more. I’m tired of feeling like it’s all for not. I’m tired of constantly being consumed by wanting to feel better, to look better. I’m tired of constantly trying to feel better, to look better. I’m tired of failing. I need to succeed at being healthy and happy. I’m a fantastic fucking person and I deserve to succeed at being healthy and strong!

mind tricks

In six days I get to go to a three-hour seminar on weight loss surgery.

I’M SO FUCKING EXCITED about this.

The past week, I’ve been eating more crap food than I have in a while. I think I’m doing it because I feel like WHEN I have WLS, I won’t be able to (eat crap food) as much anymore. But the thing is that while I’m indulging more, it’s just not as good. I don’t need it. I really don’t. I think I’ve already trained my mind and body to eat for fuel rather than pleasure. And this feels amazing. I can’t even put it into words. I actually feel like I CAN control what I eat and how much of it I eat.

But I also feel like my mind is playing tricks on me.

Like, it’s making me believe that I truly could lose weight AND KEEP IT OFF on my own- without surgery. I feel like my mind is trying to tell me to give it another solid attempt and that this time it will stick.

But it won’t. Will it? Without the surgery I mean? Will it stick without the surgery?

I honestly don’t think it will. My history says it won’t. Being morbidly obese is not new in my life; I’ve been this way since my early 20s and even in high school I was still “obese”.

I do believe that I could lose weight on my own. Absolutely do I believe this. But I don’t think I could lose enough on my own to get me away from being obese. I truly don’t think I could do that without surgery and it’s something I really do want to experience in my life: NOT being obese and feeling alive and full of energy and being healthy and strong. I need to experience this. It’s beyond time.

I really am ready. For this seminar. For WLS.

It will happen. It must.

Atkins, Weight Watchers, Pills…

I saw my sexy OB yesterday. Yes, he’s a sexy silver fox- rawr.

He asked if I had any questions or concerns and while I know he was talking about questions or concerns regarding my periods, hormones, menopause (can’t fucking wait), the like, I asked him for his thoughts on WLS.

He asked me some questions (why I’m interested, what I’ve done to lose weight in past [lost 70lbs on Atkins one year- gained it all back plus the next, lost 60lbs counting calories one year- gained half of it all back the next], etc) and after talking for about 15 minutes or so (he’s really such a great doctor!), he suggested a pill (QYSMIA) to bring up with my GP. He also said that if it were him and there was a surgery to change his life in a way that he wanted and for the better, he would do it.

I wasn’t really asking his permission, I just wanted his opinion as he “works” on women every single day. He commented that he’s got a lot of patients who’ve undergone WLS and has seen both sides of the spectrum–some use the surgery and dramatically change their lives for good, others use the surgery but then eat their way back to morbid obesity.

Basically he’s told me everything I’ve already heard and researched with the exception of this QYSMIA pill, which I’ve looked into a bit (since yesterday) and… no. I’m not interested in a fucking pill to help me lose weight but that could also cause many problems. And then what? When I stop taking the pill, I go back to gaining weight again? No. I’m fucking DONE yo-yoing.

D-O-N-E, done.

This is where I am today, right now, in one (long) paragraph:

I’ve been contemplating WLS for years but it’s been within the past year that I’ve been really looking into it, and, as a result, am scheduled for a 3-hour seminar next week. I’ve contacted my insurance and they claim they just need a predetermination of benefits letter from the doctor before they can approve. My GP is against WLS so I’ve got no referral or anything and am praying I can do this without his approval… because I’m tired of being tired. I’ve been overweight since my teen years and was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes two years ago, which was my rock bottom. I started counting calories and exercised every day, sometimes two times a day resulting in a 60 lb weight loss. My blood sugar numbers are completely under control. But, I’ve since regained 30 freaking lbs and my BMI is back up to 42 and I’ve pretty much quit exercising. 😦 I can’t stand this yo-yo crap. I’m too old, too tired to deal with this, and I have a 6.5 year old that I need to be able to keep up with forever; she’s my world. I don’t want to freaking keel over because I’m carrying around all this damn weight that doesn’t seem to want to budge. In a nutshell: I’m super tired of not feeling like I can succeed long term. I never really dreamed I’d be in a place that I would need surgery to keep weight off, but at 44, I’m beyond ready for my life to change once and for all. I want to LIVE life, not just watch it go by.

bariatric surgery

A dear friend of mine sent me a link to an amazing article on bariatric surgery: http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/09/26/bariatric-surgery-the-solution-to-obesity

I was near tears through a lot of it because it resonated so much to me… and her support in sharing the article and telling me that I really do need to get the surgery means so much.

At the same time, I told my mother I’m sincerely contemplating surgery. I only told her because I would probably need her help at home with my daughter immediately following the surgery. She wasn’t very happy with my news. She doesn’t understand why I can’t just keep the weight off when I lose it via the old fashioned way of diet and exercise. To her, I’ve lost weight before, so why can’t I just keep it off. Great fucking question, but the truth is that unless you have issues with food, it’s hard to comprehend.

I guess.

Thing is, she had issues with alcohol. Real issues. She was a drunk for most of my teen years. Yet she was eventually able to stop. Because she didn’t NEED alcohol to survive… Not in the same way we all need food.

I have my annual exam with my OB today and will probably mention that I’m thinking of going this route…. maybe he’s got some info to share on how, if at all, it could effect me in the future though I’m not planning on anymore pregnancies.

My goodness does the idea of actually being truly healthy and strong for the rest of my life excite me!

CLICK HERE FOR AMAZING ARTICLE

 

advice, help, support

As I stated in my last post, I’ve been looking into WLS for a while now (years), but it’s been in the last year when I’ve really looked into it. So much so that I’m scheduled for a 3-hour seminar in a couple weeks and I called my insurance to see if I’d be covered (unsure yet, but pretty certain I am–more on that, possibly, later).

My husband isn’t the most supportive of this. He’s worried about any surgery. When I was told I needed to get a c-section to bring our daughter into the world, he urged me into trying to give birth naturally– something I wanted to do anyway. Sadly, that didn’t work out and I did end up with a c-section. Point is that he’s not being supportive because of the actual surgery, not because he’s not supportive of me wanting to be the healthiest I can be. He’s my BIGGEST supporter of being healthy.

Anyway, I’m just posting links to some awesome videos re: WLS/VSG:

https://www.facebook.com/LaurenVentoLifeCoach/

^This chick is AMAZING and I have a feeling I’ll be watching her videos over and over again and again.

weight loss surgery

It’s been far too long since I’ve been active (physical and blogging eh). I just can’t find the motivation to get up earlier than I am or go for a walk during my lunch break or working out to a DVD after work. I wholeheartedly admit to all of this.

As for food, my relationship with it has absolutely changed this year… I’ve just become quite aware of all that I eat, when I eat it, why I eat it, how much of it I eat, etc. I feel as if my life completely revolves around food. This is good and this is bad.

The good is that I’m aware, I’m knowledgeable, my eyes are constantly open to the foods I consume. The bad is that there is more to life than just fucking food.

And I think all of this leads me to my recent obsession: weight loss surgery (WLS). Specifically: vertical sleeve gastrectomy (VSG).

The truth of the matter is I’ve been looking into WLS for several years now, but it hasn’t been till the past year or so that has me kind of obsessed with it. I’ve been watching Youtube videos and searching Instagram accounts like crazy. And just recently I’ve signed up for a three hour seminar on VSG. And I’m excited. So excited over the prospect of a real tool that could help me get rid of this excess fat.

I’m not too keen on possibly going through surgery, but I truly feel as if I’ve exhausted all other goddamn options out there. The fact of the matter is that I’m in my mid 40s; I’ve been overweight since my teens; my BMI puts me at “morbidly obese”; I have type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol; I’m done having kids but want to live long enough to enjoy the child I do have; I’ve lost a significant amount of weight twice in my adult life only to gain the weight back again…

The fact is that I know how to eat, what to eat and what to do to get rid of excess weight. I’ve been to dietitians, nutritionists, doctors. I know how to read nutrition labels and I know proper portion sizes of different foods.

But I cannot seem to keep the bloody weight away for good, and I so want to. I really do.

So then do it! Put your mind to it and do it! Count those calories and get off your ass!

I have done this. I still currently do. Okay, granted, I fully admit to being a sloth as of late, but honest to god, not a day goes by where I’m not thinking about what food to eat and how being fat wreaks havoc on my body, my mind, my spirit.

I want to change, I just feel so fucking defeated from all the times I’ve kinda sorta achieved losing weight.. only to end up gaining a lot (or even more than originally weighed) back.

I want to succeed. I will succeed. I know I will. Especially with the HELP of VSG.

I know I’ll always have issues with foods. Always. It’s just inescapable seeing as you need food to live. But I strongly feel that by shrinking my stomach, I will be able to control more of the quantity of food I consume. Permanently.

To be able to eat to fuel rather than to pacify is a dream that will become a reality one day.