exhale

I just wrote two hand-written letters: one to my daughter, one to my husband.

Writing the one to my girl wasn’t so difficult because I just essentially told her how freaking much I love and adore her. Easy peasy.

The one for my husband was more difficult. I cried. Hard.

I’m terrified of dying on Friday during surgery.

This whole time I’ve been pretty damn excited about all of this, about the prospect of being able to get a second chance at living a HEALTHY and happy and active life and then, all of sudden this morning, the fear of dying crept in.

I’m not afraid of the actual surgery; I’m actually excited about that!

But being this close to both Christmas and my sweet doll’s 7th birthday is freaking me out because if I die, how horrifying that would be for her, for my husband?!! For the rest of their lives, they’d always have that reminder of me passing away just before Christmas the year our sweet girl turned 7. And my sweet girl?! OMG just the thought of not experiencing what’s to come for her sickens me. : (

So I wrote them letters telling them how much I love them and how thankful I am for them because if either of them thought, for one second, I felt any differently… poop!

 

two more days. i can do this.

single digit countdown!

So this liquid diet thing is making it seem like things are moving so slowly but the reality is that I’M HAVING SURGERY NEXT FRIDAY. That’s only 9 days away!

Single digits, yo!

I think this realization of it being literally a matter of days now has kind of put me into a panic mode.

Should I start wrapping my kids holiday and birthday presents now, pre-surgery, or will I have the energy to do so post-op? 

OMG this is the last weekend I can do anything really holiday fun with my girl since next weekend I’ll be in the hospital and the weekend after that is Christmas already!

I’ll be okay on my own at home the week following surgery leading up to Christmas, right? I don’t need my husband to stay home or someone to take care of me, right?!

Will I be okay to drive the week after surgery leading up to Christmas? We have so much going on in other areas in our lives that could really benefit from me being able to drive somewhere that week. Not too far and not to do anything strenuous but, am I crazy to think this will all be possible to do?

9   D A Y S

 

 

 

two freaking weeks

That’s all I have till surgery: two freaking weeks. And it’s the holiday season so we all know that these two weeks are going to go by in a freaking flash.

WOW.

I start my liquid diet today (4-6 protein shakes & water; 700-900 calories/day). So far I’ve had about 30 ounces of water (I’m a big time water drinker) and one protein shake made with unsweetened almond milk, some peanut powder and instant decaf all mixed in. It was okay. I’m not at all fond of the aftertaste but I guess that’s what water is for.

I’m currently drinking a sugar free, decaffeinated French Vanilla Cafe instant coffee. I usually use this as a creamer but there wasn’t any decaf made (at work) and I wasn’t in the mood to make it. It tastes better used as a creamer. I miss real coffee.

In the fridge is 16 ounces of milk for up to two more shakes. I have my shaker bottle ready to go and I’ve portioned out 2 scoops of chocolate and 2 scoops of vanilla protein powder. I’m allowed honey, peanut butter, whatever I want to add to the shakes as long as they remain sugar free and liquid. Although honey isn’t exactly sugar free but it’s on the list so whatever.

I have two cans of soup here at work in case I absolutely feel the need for something more. As a last resort because I don’t believe soup, even strained, is allowed during this pre-op phase (though it is allowed post-op phase of the liquid diet), but I figure it’s better to have that, than to have nothing but the freaking vending machines, etc.

My mindset is great.

Actually I’m feeling pretty great all around despite having incredibly sore boobs due to PMS. I’m certain the incredible sleep I’m getting thanks to the cpap is a great help for these feelings.

I’m confident I will succeed at being  a rule follower these next two weeks.

That said, I’m a bit fearful for the weekend. I promised my dad we’d visit as it’s been well over a month since we’ve seen him. And he has no idea I’m doing any of this. And he’s not one to hold his tongue on anything. So I’m not sure what’s going to happen when it’s time to eat and I’m not eating anything. I’ll have to lie and say I’m not feeling well, but I don’t know if I can sell it because I’m an eater. I love ALL the foods. Even when ill, I love all the foods and never have a problem eating. Ugh, I’m not looking forward to this visit at all but such is life sometimes and I will prevail, dammit!

Welp…

Shit’s getting real. Like, for real real.

I pre-registered for surgery this morning and moments ago I set up my last appointment before surgery, the Pre-Surgical Testing: Upper GI, Chest Xray, EKG, Blood work-up.

• In two days, I start the liquid diet (for my plan it’s specific protein shakes and water and protein shakes…) for two full weeks.
• In five days, I have my pre-surgical testing done.
• In ten days, I have another WLS group meeting to attend (my own choice).
• In twelve days, I have my pre-op appointment with my surgeon.
• In fifteen days, I can have nothing more than clear liquids all day.
• In sixteen days, I go in for surgery.

I don’t have a time yet but. Um. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.

And I’m REALLY getting excited again.

December is going to be one helluva month, that’s for sure, because not only do I have the above going on, but there’s also:

• In twenty-four days, it’s Christmas Eve (which is when everyone comes to my place and we feast on schnitzel and potatoes and sweets… this year I guess I’ll be sipping while they all feast).
• In twenty-five days, it’s Christmas Day (which is when I make sticky buns that my almost 7 year old daughter anticipates and looks forward to having every single year. I’ll still make them, of course, but I’ll be sipping on a protein shake while she indulges and I smile on watching her light up.)
• In twenty-nine days, my baby girls turns 7 (sniff, sniff, sniff). (Not sure what we’re doing that day, but it will be something special as always. Her choice. Last year we took her to LegoLand and Benihana. She loved both. This year I think she wants to go to the zoo [she LOVES animals] but I’m not sure if it’ll be open [are they open in winter in Chicago?]. And of course we’ll take her out to eat… which will be my first outing post-op and I’ll still be on my liquid diet phase so not really sure how that’s all going to work but it will it will it will!)

almost December

This is the first time since having my sweet baby doll (7 years ago end of December) that we’re not sending out a family photo Christmas card. Truth is we just didn’t have time and money to get family pics done as we have in the past, so I just ordered cards with a cute pic of my girl on them. I like getting family pics of us but it’s just going to have to wait I guess.

And I’m sort of okay with all of this because I’ve been eating nonstop the past couple of months. Like, I feel gross most of the time because of the quantity and quality of the foods I’ve consumed. It’s like I’m completely out of control. I just keep telling myself, come this Friday (12/2), I’m on all liquids for two weeks prior to surgery so why not just eat all the foods while I can? But that’s bullshit because eating all the foods makes me feel like crap so why do I continue to do it??!?

It’s maddening. And a bit depressing.

I’ve gained weight and my clothes are getting smaller and smaller. My stomach is bloated so much I’m certain I look pregnant to some. But because I’m fat anyway, they just are probably unsure if I’m just fat or if I’m indeed pregnant.

Enough of that. I need to focus on the good stuff:

• Come Friday, it’ll be all liquids for two weeks. How is this “good”? It’s going to force me to focus on the liquids and the surgery instead of leaving me to think of all the foods I won’t be able to stuff in my hole for a couple of months.
• 18 freaking days till surgery, yo. This is good. Good. No matter the fact that every so often a wave of OH-SHIT-SHOULD-I-REALLY-DO-THIS-LIFE-ALTERING-PERMANENT-THING?! hits me.
• I’ve been sleeping with a cpap now for 6 nights and it’s been GLORIOUS. I haven’t had that much difficulty adjusting to wearing the contraption and my sleep has been getting better and better. I’m awake and alert all day, every day. It’s freaking GLORIOUS.